Another from the possibly inappropriatly personal blog stuffs pile... I don't like getting into really personal stuff on here, it is an open forum.. but I feel this one is kind of open to judgement, do the crime do the time? (or cop the wrath of a partner who blogs?)

I feel a bit hurt. Whenever Dr Phil or Oprah or someone does some sort of show about guys who watch porn and show the wife/partner having a cry about how it is in line with cheating and how hurt they feel about it; I've kinda just thought they should get a grip. Until like.. now. I've been letting my partner use my PC while I'm out at my night job and I was wondering why he has killed my download limit these past couple of days... I mean, I know he has been downloading music but he's done that before & managed to not totally exceed my download limit (500mb / day) ... so I had a wee squiz at my internet history to see if the answer was there. Well yessum it was. First answer: You Tube (doi). He had watched a whole bunch of clips from The L Word, that I have no quarm with as I have approximately 5925838 clips favourited (& its likely he just picked them up from there). What bothered me were the 22 images from "Nakie Nerds" and the 27 images of random FHM sluzzas that he viewed. OK... the FHM stuff is fine really, I read FHM so I can't judge, the girls are hotties.. but Naked Nerd? 22 different naked pictures? Thats not like an 'oops-i-clicked-on-the-wrong-link' kind of a number. & That pisses me off... was my boyfriend seriously getting off over girls that aren't me, using my computer and costing me money in excess downloads? Not cool.

I guess it just makes me feel like I'm not enough for him maybe... and it confuses me because he has seemed more into me than ever before lately. Constantly complimenting me and just seeming to be really happy in the relationship. I've felt like we've been closer & stronger than ever so I'm caught off guard with this shit. Maybe I'm just hoping these compliments were just compliments, not compensation for guilt or something. I don't think he'd cheat on me or anything like that I guess I'm just baffled that he's been deliberatly looking at near naked photos of girls that aren't me. And on the flip side of that I feel annoyed with myself for even caring, he is a boy after all... And we haven't been having what I would consider to be ALOT of sex lately, but I've just started taking new medication (and so am trying to come to grips with that and how it makes me feel) as well as working two jobs and trying to organise my visa, book & arrange england stuff- I haven't exactly been laying about on my arse twiddling my thumbs, I don't mean to be neglectful. Am I being neglectful in this respect?

I feel a little bad airing our relationship dirty laundry on here... but on the other hand, if he is stupid enough to look at naked girls on my computer and leave it in the history then he can suffer the consequences of me having an angry bitch on my blog about it. Not that he reads my blog, I don't know if he even is aware I still blog on here (he reads treslola occasionally though). I think it's just that I try to keep blog bitching about people to a minimum because I like to write with notion and understand that my audience is and could be everyone. That is, write and make peace with the fact that anyone from my partner to my mum to my boss to my highschool friends could be reading & judging me based on this stuff. So maybe it is not okay for me to have posted this. I would just rather to get things in line in my mind by writing then go full throttle with accusations at the boy.... I don't even know if its anything I should even worry about, big picture, big picture... how much does this matter? I can't help but think that even posting this blog post is an over reaction, then again, if he thought that viewing those photos was acceptable, why not do it with me around, why hide it (he's not good with computers, he probably won't have realised I could find it in the history) by viewing the stuff while I'm not around?

PS: Drunk girls told me I was hot last night, made me smile <3